You Know Your Family May Be Dysfunctional When… Or — Jeff Foxworthy Surely Must Have Been There
By Judge Bill Hetherington

Just in time for the holidays, a primer on the best ways not to conduct your family affairs.

(1) Your sister gets in a fight with your mom at dinner over the last beer.

(2) The bikers next door complain to the police about the noise at your house.

(3) Your sister has more tattoos than your dad does.

(4) Your parents divorce court file is four files thick.

(5) You have to go out to dinner each night because your kitchen is a meth lab.

(6) Your older brother don’t do “north and south,” he do “left and right,” and he don’t do
that too good.

(7) I would never hit my daughter with a hammer, but I would with my fist or a shoe.

(8) When I was involved in that sexual activity, my brain wasn’t thinking too good.

(9) Your father started out his written confession with, “This is the way I recollect things I don’t really remember.”

(10) No one in my family has a clue where the sun comes up. They all think it comes up “over that-a-way.”

The kicker: Though this list is terrific for laughs, it’s rather sad to realize these are actual quotes from court testimony.

Bill Hetherington is a district court judge in Cleveland County.